Newsflash - the WWF have named LubePanda’s sponsored cub. She is called Zhu Xiong and in an amazing coincidence of innuendo, lives in the Wanglang Nature Reserve in Sichuan province. I’m choosing to pronounce this WangLong.
As you can imagine at LubePanda, an incredible amount of work goes into research. Teams of lab coated technicians are at work in round the clock shifts – innovating with new formulas to create the next generation of ever smoother lubricants. There are row upon row of strange, complex machines, each representing the dynamics of a new sexual position. These machines piston back and forth at incredible speeds, road testing LubePanda in the most extreme conditions. Occasionally a competitor brand will be introduced to one of these perpetually jack-hammering robots. Unable to cope with the friction, the machine will jar and explode in a burst of steam and metal sparks, sending workers scurrying for cover.
But LubePanda isn’t an industrial product, it is about improving intimacy between people. Thus we have a different facility for the next stage of product testing. This place we call: Shangri-Lube. We bring it to life by fusing various oriental styles; the calming exterior of a Japanese stone garden, the red velvet luxury of a Bedouin tent and the sensual tones of the bamboo flute. All the staff at Shangri-Lube are young Swedish nymphomaniacs, personally trained by Sting in the tantric arts. We are, however, an equal opportunities employer and have one deaf staff member – let me tell you there are few acts more obscene than a sign language translation of the Karma Sutra. Here all imaginable intimate acts are performed to test LubePanda. Everybody has heard of the Mongolian Clusterf***, but how many of you the Congolese Conga Line?
Here is a tune for you to sit back and think of Shangri-Lube: